Mother's Day Malaise By: Dana Sanchez
Here's a special article from our guest contributor, Dana Sanchez.
A recent trip to the local Hallmark store brought a flurry of emotions to the forefront of my psyche. This time, it was the aisle of Mother’s Day cards that did it to me. From the little kids’ cards that say “To My Mommy” scrawled in a playful font, adorned with teddy bears and whimsical designs to the adult kids’ cards that say “To My Wonderful Mother” in beautiful calligraphy, decorated with hearts and flowers, each card title was like I was being punched in the stomach.
Don’t get me wrong…I really do love Mother’s Day so I can celebrate my mother and everything she has done for me and my sister throughout the years. However, the day is bittersweet, as I try to manage the emotions of not being a mother after so many years of trying to get pregnant while still putting on a happy face to spend time with my incredible mom. I am blessed to have the most wonderful, caring and supportive mother in the history of moms (in my assessment anyway) and I try to celebrate her every day, not just on Mother’s Day. But this day is special because it is reserved just for moms. I always do something special for her on this occasion and every year I think it will be the year that I might be able to tell her that her Mother’s Day gift is to finally have a grandchild. 2011 marks another year gone by, another year with no luck.
I’ve always said that if I could be one tenth of the mother to my children that my mom has been to me, I would be doing pretty well. I guess I always hoped that I would have children to parent and that she would have grandchildren to spoil! My parents are both in their mid-to-late 60’s and knowing what amazing parents they are to me and my sister makes my heart ache even more because of the prospect that they might never have grandchildren of their own. Back at the Hallmark store, my eyes well up with tears when I see the cards “To Grandma.” I so deeply yearn to have a child and be a mother. She absolutely deserves the joy of being a grandmother. So, while I celebrate my mom, my mother-in-law and my grandmother (and a myriad of other special women in my life) on Mother’s Day, I can’t help but feel saddened about what is missing in our lives.
The messages to moms and grandmothers are not reserved for the Hallmark store. Every commercial on television, in the newspaper and on the radio is, “Get Mom what she needs on Mother’s Day!” and “Doorbuster sales this week…shop for Mom!” In fact, during a thirty minute lunch break at home today, I saw seven different Mother’s Day advertisements. I’m no mathematician but that is roughly one every four minutes! As if that isn’t enough, I can’t even open my Facebook page without seeing countless advertisements strewn across the side to order flowers for mom and reminding me to remember Mom on Mother’s Day. My Yahoo email account is filled every day with special offers for Mom. Thank you, advertisers, but I don’t need to be reminded to do things for my mom on Mother’s Day. All the advertisements are really doing for me is reminding me…AGAIN…. that I am not a mom.
To top it all off, I am the victim of a double whammy on Mother’s Day. Not only can I not get pregnant, but I am a stepmother. On Mother’s Day, while “real” moms are spending the day with their adoring children, I don’t have that opportunity. The kids who I love, support and to whom I give 110% day in and day out are with their mom. Being a step-parent is such an interesting role. You are expected to support the kids emotionally, financially and in every other way in between. You love them just as if they are your own kids. You are there for them in every way that a biological parent is there for his/her kids but since you have that “step” in front of your name, you really aren’t a parent in the ways that you so desperately desire to be. You get very little say-so in what you know is in the best interest of the kids and you don’t get to spend those special holidays with them either. You spend Mother’s Day hoping that they will send you a text message or give you a call and you physically hurt when you see other moms opening cards from their kids or out at a restaurant dining with them.
I certainly do not want to sound greedy because I love my stepchildren more than words can say. My stepson and I, in particular, have an incredible bond that makes people think that he is my biological child. He was only four when my husband and I started dating and the two of us have been like two peas in a pod ever since. I guess that is why it does hurt so badly. He is my kid in every sense of the word, with the exception of the fact that I did not carry him for nine months. He and I are closer than some actual parents and their kids and there is nothing in this world I wouldn’t do for him. So, each year on Mother’s Day when I can’t give him a hug and a kiss and tell him how much I love him and how lucky I am to be his stepmother, a part of me just shrivels up and dies. When we have to take him back to his mom every Sunday, I feel like my heart is ripped out. He is my sunshine and when I can’t spend that one day a year with him, reserved just for moms, I can’t help but feel irrevocably miserable.
As each Mother’s Day approaches, I feel a sense of trepidation and hope that this year will be different in some way. The nature of my job has kept me in the office for most of the day on Mother’s Day for the past 14 years and in many ways, I am grateful that I have the refuge of my work to escape to. I will have breakfast with my mom and my mother-in-law and will let them know that I love and appreciate them. I will save my tears for at night when I lay my head on my pillow, without a hug and kiss from a child telling me, “I love you, Mommy” and without my stepchildren at home with me to say good night to.
To my mom and to all of the other amazing women who have been given the blessing of a child, have a Happy Mother’s Day. Remember each and every day how lucky you are to have them. Your kids know how lucky they are to have you. To all the women out there who are longing to be a mother, celebrate yourself today and the strong women that you are.
As a stepmother, I know that raising a child is one of the most difficult things that you will ever do. As someone who is infertile, I know that not being able to have a child may be even more difficult.
